…is it always greener?

I met with a new friend today for some delicious Mexican and an afternoon jaunt to the saddest circus I’ve ever been to, and had one of those conversations that really made me think.

In between sweet baby gurgles and incessant toddler babble (which is was totally not patient with…and feel totally guilty about now) we started talking about what we would do if we had a dream job…or something of the like.

Each of us entered the conversation from a different view point, but one thing became really clear for me…

I thought when I wrapped up my dissertation and became that much closer to being a doctor that I would feel this magical feeling of arrival.

(Early in August)

Me: That’s it?  I’m done?

Advisor: That’s it.  Pretty uneventful huh?

Me: Really?  Yeah.  It is.  And scary.

Advisor: How’s that?

Me: I feel like I could walk into the program in three weeks as a first year, and learn just as much as I have in the last four years.  There’s just so much more.

Advisor: And that’s why you’re going to be fine.  Because most people don’t get that.

…I remembered that feeling and that early August conversation clearly today as I sat munching on chips and guacamole.  As we chatted about life and dream jobs and “what would you do if you could do anything…” topics, I realized how much of my life lately has been wrapped up in things that aren’t bearing the rewards they should be.

“But are you passionate about what you do?”

And as I sat and thought about her question, I realized that the passion is what was missing for me.  Love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life.

“Yes…No.” (Pause)  “I’m not so sure that I’m as passionate about it as I am good at it.”

I’m good at what I do.  Very good.  And I know that with every relationship there are ebbs and flows…and work is no different.  There are days and weeks that I want to stand on my roof and scream out how much I love what I do!

But.  The longer the weeks get, the more I loose my temper with my little miss, the crazier the house gets, the more neglected the dog and my health get, and the more guilty I feel because I just can’t bear to loose 3 hours on a Saturday morning to do ballet class for my little (something she LOVES and is developing passion for).

I’ve lost my balance.

If I could do anything.  Anything.  I would write more.  Reflect more.  Get it down, more.

“So do that.”

…and here “that” is.

I think in some sense the grass is always greener…but I do believe that you can find harmony between both sides (or however many “sides” you wish you were part of).  You can find other things that make you happy, that feed your passion…and find that balance between duty and indulgence.  Whatever that may be for you.


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